Why doesn’t he have time for me? Our clients seem to ask this question more times than we can count. All of them seem to be looking for an answer that they won’t have to take personally.
It seems they want a reasonable excuse why he (or she) doesn’t have time for them anymore. They will happily let family pressures or family emergencies take the blame. They will eagerly accept work deadlines or projects as the answer to their question. In truth, the lack of time their loved one has given them should be a red flag. Is there really any good excuse for “Why doesn’t he have time for me?”.
There are some extreme cases that could qualify as good excuses. Being in a hospital or holding beside vigil for a sick relative or close friend is an excuse that would be acceptable and you should understand that. So many excuses people readily accept really are not acceptable.
A relationship is a part of your life. Like your family, friends and job it cannot always take the back seat or the lowest priority. Sure, at some point in your relationship you have to be patient and allow the one you love a temporary pass. Taking the back seat once or twice a year is something most folks can live with. If you are always taking the backseat to everything else in your partner’s life, you must accept, and take personally, that you are low priority. Period.
Sometimes the reason he doesn’t have time for you is because he doesn’t value having time with you. He has made spending time with you insignificant. If you allow this behavior you are saying you accept it. Once someone sees you accept excuses, they will give you more and more of them. You become, in their eyes, the easy way out. If they need to give time to another area of their life, they will take it from you because it has become a habit.
You should be taking this personally, because it is. You need to set the bar higher and demand to be as high a priority as everything else in his life. Why shouldn’t you be? Shouldn’t you at least be on equal footing?
If they have time for everything else, why don’t they make time for you? In many cases, it is because they don’t have to. How much time a couple spends together is often determined in the beginning of the relationship. If someone you are dating tells you they don’t have much time to date and can only see you every other weekend because they have their kids, understand truly what they are saying. They are stating the amount of time they have to offer you. If you accept this offer, right from the get go, understand an agreement has been made. You may assume that at some point you will meet their kids and then you can see him or her more often. Did they say that? No. So until they do, don’t assume it.
If right from your first date they tell you that they work long hours and have a high-profile/high pressure job, listen carefully. They are letting you know they won’t have time for you, and not the normal amount of time that you would expect. Unless he is a year from retirement, if you don’t want a relationship with a workaholic, then don’t continue further. You know the reason right from the first date why he doesn’t have time for you.
Instead of wondering why, ask yourself why you are letting this person waste so much of your time. Fill up your time with things that make YOU happy instead of begging, pleading or screaming at someone to spend time with you.