Letting go is easier said than done. When it comes to a relationship it is often extremely difficult and the person who should be letting go is instead obsessing and dwelling instead. It is understandable that when a break up first occurs, people feel they should not be letting go, that there may still be a chance to work things out. They think they should not bother letting go because they are going to get back together anyway.
That makes sense in a way, but if many months or years without any communication has gone by, the excuse for not letting go disappears.
What can happen, when a relationship ends is that a person, by dwelling and obsessing, actually keeps the relationship going in a way. It may be all in their head/heart, but day to day thoughts of someone and experiencing feelings about someone is a weird relationship they still have with a person who is clearly out of the picture. When you do not put your effort into letting go and instead put your time, energy and effort into them, you are focusing on their life, and not focusing on your own. Finding out what they are doing with their lives, if they are dating or in a relationship, what they do in the evenings, checking their facebook pages enables you to be a voyeur into their lives. You are not a part of their lives, but you have made them a part of yours by watching them like you would a soap opera and getting invested in what is going on in their world.
Letting go does not mean giving up forever. It is simply acknowledging that life does go on. And you live that life without that person in it, and you can. Take it one day at a time. Sure it is hard, but you are making it harder on yourself by not letting go. If it were up to you they would be back in your life right now. But it is not up to you, it is up to them. You can either sit and wait for them to come back and be miserable, or you can use that same time to find some joy in life. All the time you spend thinking, worrying, crying, and playing detective would be better served doing something you enjoy, because you are getting no joy focusing on them. The people who are having a hard time letting go or are choosing not to let go seem to be miserable people. Why be one of them? Every day it will get a little bit better, so start today with the first steps of letting go. When thoughts of them come into your head, don’t dwell on them, try and push them out by thinking of something else. Either add some enjoyable activities in your life to keep your mind busy, or find some challenging things to do that require your full attention. Make it all about YOU, not all about THEM.
Some people have suggested that they are afraid that by letting go they are sending a message to the universe that they no longer want this person in their lives. That is not true. What you are doing is putting out that you realize you have no control over the situation and are leaving the power where it lies, outside yourself. Replace your romantic idealism over the situation with reality. Why sit there and tell everyone you can’t find a way of letting go because this person was so funny, cute, charming or whatever. You only concentrate on the good. The bad is what broke you up, not the good. Stop playing up their good side, and face their bad. You can’t go back in time and do things differently, nor can you go back in time and change what they do. It happened, and you must deal with it.
You are already without this person and surviving, so you should know you can be without them. You may not want to, but you can. But look at how you are surviving. Isn’t there a better way? Even if they did come back, do you think they will appreciate or feel bad for what you went through? Not really. So why are you doing this to yourself? They would actually be more impressed and respect you a lot more if the person they can back to was stronger and more empowered. That is attractive. Men do not respond to guilt the way women wish they did. It makes them uncomfortable.
It is time to start punishing yourself with your behavior. You may think you cannot control it, but you can.
To let go you have to first accept that your life, right now, is without them. If they come back or not is not up to you. When you get past that you can begin to focus on what you can control vs. what you can’t and you will feel stronger, as opposed to weaker. That is one of many problems when people avoid letting go, they feel less and less powerful, and it is a vicious cycle. Start filling up the time you would have spent with them, whether is was talking, texting or hanging out. Replacing them in your life is a great way to begin letting go.
Making plans to go on a trip or to an event gives you something to look forward to, rather than feeling you have nothing to look forward to. Start the process of letting go, and allow yourself to find happiness again in your life.